Washington, DC Stories: UNEDITED
by Robyn-Enjolras
Summary: Beginning with a fantastic prologue about Bella and Jacob Twilight, duh the DC stories happily make their debut. This is the product of three girls on a six-hour bus ride to Washington, DC. It's a crossover because there is a "Pushing Daisies" part.
1. Prologue and Table of Contents

A/N: YAY! The amazing DC stories are here! Read them and weep.

This is a BOOK AND TV crossover because I'm going to put 'Pushing Daisies' in it later.

DISCLAIMER: I don't own Twilight or Pushing Daisies. I own everything in the DC stories. Everything.

PS: I wanted to get this out of my system, so I put my mini-version of Breaking Dawn in as the beginning. Don't yell at me! )

* * *

Bella the Skank was walking down the street one day going to Newton's Outfitters to get some Under Armour apparel because she came to the conclusion that Edward was really cold. Her wedding was in two days and she was still human. Jacob Black was at the Outfitters, too, buying a water bottle.

"Hey, Bella, I love you." he said.

"I love you, too," she smiled.

Bella picked up a black Under Armour turtleneck and draped it over her arm.

"Under Armour? Well, aren't you a classy little lady…?" Jacob snickered.

"Yes, I am."

"I'm assuming your darling little Eddie boy is paying for it?"

"I told you not to call him that!"

"I stopped calling him 'bloodsucker'. It's the least I can do."

Bella rolled her eyes, "No, actually, I'm paying for it, fyi. I get an employee discount."

"Yeah, like you ever go to work!" Jacob laughed.

Bella bought all of the Under Armour stuff that she needed and Jacob selected a fine Nalgene brand water bottle to purchase.

"Have you ever thought of living with me instead of Eddie boy?" Jacob asked sweetly.

"Yep, all the time. I think I love you way more than I did before."

"Wanna not marry him and still live with Charlie and come to La Push everyday and be human forever!?"

Bella thought about it, "Nope."

"Please," Jacob pleaded.

Bella thought about it again, "OKAY!"

* * *

Jacob and Bella walked back to Charlie's house. He was pleased to see Jacob and they talked about how they don't make baseball players like they used to. Bella called Edward.

"Hello?" he answered.

"Hey, it's Bella," Bella said calmly.

"Oh, hello, dear. What is up, yo?"

"Don't ever do that again. Ever."

Edward sighed, "Okay, fine. Don't be hatin'."

"Edward, seriously.

He sighed again.

"'kay, listen. Are you listening?" Bella could here rap music in the background on Edward's line.

"Yes."

"Good, 'cause I'm only going to say this once," Bella took a deep breath.

"Is it about your dress? Well, you don't have to worry about it because Alice is picking it from the tailor's right now and everything is fine."

Bella slapped her hand to her forehead, "NO, JUST SHUT UP AND LISTEN!!"

And he did.

"Okay, so. I love Jacob a lot now and I'm calling the wedding off and you can go throw yourself in a fire because you're too cold anyway even though I just wasted a lot of money buying Under Armour stuff to keep me warm at your house while I'm with you. So, yeah we can just be friends now 'cause Jacob and I are madly in love so go find another girl to be ghetto too," Bella said that all really fast.

The other line was quiet for a few minutes, but then Edward finally spoke, "You're kidding, right?"

"Nope. Jacob and I finally have something that you can't screw around with. G'bye…. Eddie boy."

"Bel—"

She hung up.

She motioned for Jacob to come up to her room. There, they played 'Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader?' online at fox dot com.

* * *

The next morning, Jacob came over. Bella had already told Charlie that her and Eddie were through and the Jakemeister was her new boyfriend. Charlie was one happy dude.

At lunchtime, Jacob went outside to check the mail. There was a tannish-brown envelope on the doorstep of the Swan residence with TOP SECRET scribbled on it in black Sharpie. He walked back into the house. Bella and Charlie were having macaroni and cheese while watching reruns of 'Pushing Daises' (a/n: this isn't the 'Pushing Daisies' part) on ABC because writers like being on strike. He set the envelope on the coffee table in front of Bella. She opened it.

There were three pieces of paper in there. Scribbled in the same black sharpie was:

**_WASHINGTON, DC STORIES: UNEDITED_**

**_WRITTEN BY: CLAIR, ROBYN, AND NICOLE_**

**Note: All characters depicted in this story are absolutely REAL, especially Five.**

"What the heck is this?" giggled Bella, her status of skank was temporarily removed.

"I don't know… Let's read them!

Under the writing at the top were pictures of a very happy walrus, a walrus bean, a demented walrus-cat, and a cat with a scarf.

Under those was the headline: STICK FIGURE ASSASSINS. They depicted stick figure version of John Wilkes Booth, Charles Guiteau, Leon Czolgosz, and Lee Harvey Oswald killing their object of governmental hatred. The Secret Service were there, too. (a/n: I'm going to try to put these pictures on my profile when my scanner feels like working.)

Finally, below those pictures was the heading "**Table of Contents**", beside of which was a picture of a table. The list of the contents were as follows:

**Plan B** – Clair

**Plan C** – Clair

**Plan D** – Clair

**Animal Story** – Clair

**Legal Contract** – Nicole and Robyn (with a little bit of Clair)

**High Five** – Nicole

**Two Cows and a Beer** – Nicole

**Plan Alphabet** – Nicole

**1337 Years** – Clair and Robyn

**Hokey Pokey Pickles** – Clair and Robyn

The two Swans and the one Black all looked and shrugged at each other: They then proceeded to read Plans B thru D as Bella took them out of the envelope.

* * *

A/N: Well, there you have it, all of the titles of my DC stories and how I want 'Breaking Dawn' to be like. I don't feel like typing all of the stories and once, so don't expect them all to be there at once. Also, Plans B and D are pictures, so I can't really write what they, so I'll just describe them instead. All of the plans will be one chapter because they are all short. If you flame, they will be donated to burning Edward on a poke-y Popsicle stick of DOOM! Nice reviews, pleasies! 


	2. Plans B, C, and D

**THE WASHINGTON, DC STORIES: UNEDITED**

BY CLAIR, ROBYN, AND NICOLE

**CHAPTER 1: THE PLANS (B-D)**

**or**

**How to Kill Michelle**

**By CLAIR**

There is no Plan A.

**PLAN B** (it's a picture, I'm describing it. I'll put the picture on my profile later)

Shown here is a picture of our friend Michelle. (Yes, it's the same Michelle in my magnum opus, _Collapsible B_). She is very hyper and flying everywhere, proclaiming, 'WEEEEE!'. Clair gives her some pills, and she stops and falls to the ground.

**PLAN C**

We hire John Wilkes Booth to, in her sleep, steal her socks and left shoes. He will also burn her hair ribbons and her –GASP-- MEDIEVAL TIMES FLAG! She then flips out, looses her voice, and grows weak from lack of food because she can't hop fast enough making it hard for her to hit us.

**PLAN D** (this is also a picture, I am describing it)

Shown here is Michelle bouncing around saying things that no one really cares about. Clair is off to the side, strapped to a bomb. Under the picture is written (Drawn in the dark)

* * *

A/N: Well, that's it. Not one of the better ones, but it's in here nonetheless. Please review!! NO FLAMES! 


	3. Animal Story

**THE WASHINGTON, DC STORIES: UNEDITED**

BY CLAIR, ROBYN, AND NICOLE

**CHAPTER TWO: ANIMAL STORY**

**By CLAIR**

There once was a little piggie named Nicole. Because she was allergic to everything except fruit snacks, she couldn't be sold to the butcher. Instead the farmer let her run free. One day, she met a puppy named Michelle (Yes, the same Michelle). Michelle barked, Nicole listened. One day, Nicole fell in a ditch the size of a quarter because she was so skinny. Michelle's loud yell saved her because an old sheep, Robyn, herd and came over. After a long debate they decided Nicole should come up fro the whole. They made a harness out of dental floss, hair ribbon, and chalk. Once Nicole got up, she fell on the grass and rolled down the hill to the river. Michelle, fed up saving Nicole decided to have a picnic with a hamster named Russel. Russel "accidentally" bit off her ear so Michelle ran down to Robyn who had saved Nicole by telling her to mimick a Civil War general who no ome else had heard of. Together they climbed the hill slipped and fell into the river and drowned.

* * *

A/N: Just want to let you know that all of the typos in the story are intentional. Since this is unedited, I didn't edit anything. I'm putting a little bio one Nicole, Clair, and I as the very last epilogue-esque chapter, 'cause some, or most, of the things in this story you probably won't understand. Review, no flames. Ya know. 


	4. Legal Contract

**THE WASHINGTON, DC STORIES: UNEDITED**

BY CLAIR, ROBYN, AND NICOLE

**CHAPTER THREE: LEGAL CONTRACT**

**By NICOLE AND ROBYN (with a little help from CLAIR)**

Once upon a time there was a lemon named Bob who lived in a cave under Block-Buster. One day, Johnny Booth and Robyn were frolicking in the basement of aforementioned Block Buster and decided to make lemonade. Flippy the pancake decided to shoot Johnny but Robyn became a penguin and had too many feathers to care about her pet mouse. The End. (Here it goes…)

The there and had Fled cow there. It had and put lots a cow no fly the. The now and you have two it. No have love there no and nine fly have. My you have just a now five. Have lots ear now man-baby t-shirt. Why now how high heard two cow man. But and had five without the really. Roll to have with pie and five with no. It was so they high no. White it low pajamas. Banana muffin cake had. Hammer now without. Low bus tree house.

X

Sign Here

Jan/_**Feb**_/March -insert random scribble of Clair's here-

* * *

A/N: Keep in mind we wrote this at 2 in the morning and we couldn't sleep. Nicole likes to write random words (kinda like Shakespeare!) and we had been awake for a _long_ time. 


	5. High Five and Prom Night

**THE WASHINGTON, DC STORIES:UNEDITED**

BY CLAIR, ROBYN, AND NICOLE

**CHAPTER FOUR: HIGH FIVE and PROM NIGHT**

**By NICOLE**

A/N: Sorry, I forgot to write this in the Table of Contents, but there was another story on the same page as 'High Five' and I just realized that it was there. It's called 'Prom Night' and it's pretty darn funny, if you ask me.

* * *

**HIGH FIVE**

Red had five. Orange had five. Blue had five. Yellow had five. Nine had five. Five had two. Orange and Red were jealous of Had. Had was jealous of And. And had two. Orange made Five get Two a beer. Beer had five. Jealousy was in love and cupid got poked in the eye. Eye was jealous (and in love) with Five! Five was in love but since cupids eye turned black, green was blind. Love turned jealous and jealous turned orange. Orange was confused. Had was dead now.

* * *

**PROM NIGHT**

Yellow & Red were going to the prom. Yellow wore an orange dress. Red wore a yellow dress. Yellow got jealous of Red because Red looked good with a midnight-blue gown but Yellow looked terrible with a light-pink t-shirt. Red & Yellow decided to hang out with Green but Green had to go to Paris for a make-over. Yellow turned green and red turned stripey, starry, blue and white. The alcohol wore down and Red & Yellow became balloons.


	6. Ned, Olive, and Chuck get an envelope

That was the last story in the envelope, even though the Table of Contents claimed there were several more. Bella shook the envelope upside-down, but to no avail. There were no more stories.

"Well, this sucks! I really wanted to read 'Two Cows and a Beer'!" Jacob sighed.

Bella set the envelope on the table. "Yeah, I'll call the Post Office tomorrow."

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

It had been a busy day at the Pie Hole. Ned and Olive were about to close up for the night. Chuck had just gone up to bed, and Emerson was on his way out the door to go home and knit himself a sweater. He had recently left when the mailman burst the door and ran up to Ned.

"Hey, Ned."

"Postman," Ned smiled, wiping up the counter.

"Hi, well, this just came for you. I don't know why it didn't come earlier. I just saw it and I wanted to deliver tonight instead of tomorrow 'cause it seemed important," the mailman shrugged and slapped a tannish brown envelope on the counter beside the spot that Ned was cleaning. Unbeknownst to anyone, it contained similar contents that a similar tannish brown envelope that had been delivered to the Swans of Washington this afternoon.

"Oh, thanks," Ned picked the envelope up and asked Olive to go find a letter opener, "See ya tomorrow."

The mailman nodded and left, walking out into the cold winter night. Chuck, unable to go to sleep, entered the room and helped Olive and Ned tidy up.

Ned, Chuck, and Olive had finished cleaning the quaint little pie shop. Chuck brought out a piece of apple pie for all of them to share. Olive ceremoniously opened the strange envelope. She pulled out four sheets of notebook paper. The top one had TOP SECRET scribbled on it in black sharpie and had a note written in the same handwriting under it, 'When you are done reading this, please call Charlie Swan of Forks, Washington.'

The other three sheets of paper contained odd and hilarious stories, also explained on the top sheet of paper to be written by three girls on a bus to Washington, DC.

Ned held up the sheet of paper that was under the top one. He turned it towards him and squinted to read the title—_Two Cows and a Beer_.

"What is this?!" Olive squeaked with her mouth full of pie.

"I have no idea…" Chuck examined each of the papers carefully, "Are you tired, Ned?"

He shook his head, "How about you, Olive?"

She shook her head, also, "Nope. And you, Chuck?"

She smiled, "Not at all."

Ned caught on and placed his hand on top of his, as if to put his hand on top of his darling Chuck's, "Let's read."

Olive pouted at the Pie Maker and quickly put the _Two Cows and a Beer _story in front of her. She began:

* * *

A/N: This story is going to be CRAZY! The stories after this are longer and better. Review, don't flame. Yeah. 


	7. Two Cows and a Beer

**THE WASHINGTON, DC STORIES: UNEDITED**

BY CLAIR, ROBYN, AND NICOLE

**CHAPTER FOUR: TWO COWS AND A BEER**

**BY NICOLE**

Love had two cows. You had two cows. Noah had two cows and a beer. Jack had two cows. The cheese had two cows but all the cows were the same. So in the end there were only two cows and a beer. Love decided to kill Noah because she wanted to order pizza but Jack wasn't finished building his house. The beer ran away and drank lemonade. Cheese became in love with Jack but Jack didn't build a closet yet. Love committed suicide. The cows had a beer. You had five beers. Then the mooses came to kill Love but cupid was painted blind. Superman series were cancelled because the lemons said so. So was upset at Noah because the ark broke down. So was orange but turned blue because John Wilkes Booth was drinking lemonade while clipping his toenails. The cows turned into sheep so you and so mistook them for penguins. Love was in heaven but Jack wanted Love to take a detour.


	8. Plan Alphabet

**THE WASHINGTON, DC STORIES: UNEDITED**

BY CLAIR, ROBYN, AND NICOLE

**CHAPTER FOUR: TWO COWS AND A BEER**

**BY NICOLE**

Love had two cows. You had two cows. Noah had two cows and a beer. Jack had two cows. The cheese had two cows but all the cows were the same. So in the end there were only two cows and a beer. Love decided to kill Noah because she wanted to order pizza but Jack wasn't finished building his house. The beer ran away and drank lemonade. Cheese became in love with Jack but Jack didn't build a closet yet. Love committed suicide. The cows had a beer. You had five beers. Then the mooses came to kill Love but cupid was painted blind. Superman series were cancelled because the lemons said so. So was upset at Noah because the ark broke down. So was orange but turned blue because John Wilkes Booth was drinking lemonade while clipping his toenails. The cows turned into sheep so you and so mistook them for penguins. Love was in heaven but Jack wanted Love to take a detour.


	9. 1337 Years

**THE WASHINGTON, DC STORIES: UNEDITED**

BY CLAIR, ROBYN, AND NICOLE

**CHAPTER SIX: 1337 YEARS**

**BY CLAIR AND ROBYN**

Lenin met Lennon and Yoko killed –insert dudet who was married to Lenin 1st--. John Wilkes Booth killed Yoko and then laughed and ran away while Five baby sat an apple. McLean got confused in February and wrote about his cars and newspapers. Red got angry and threw a pie at Deline Cion. Blinded, she crashed Don's Chevy but she couldn't afford a Ford so she bought him a Benz but ran out of gas money on the way home and was stranded on the outskirts of Luxembourg with Five and the apple. The apple cried as five made Luxembourg a part of France and Belgium. France, who was bored, decided to declare war on England but was stopped by a giant waffle in the new addition. Germany felt 1337 and also declared war on France and England, and the Civil War began. But it wasn't so civil because John Wilkes Booth read Russell's book and deicded to become Hindu which pissed off the pope so the pop crashed his hover craft/chair thing into the blind Deline. John Wilkes Booth constant consequently became pissed and decided that Russell was not a good Christian, which made him move to Ireland.

Russell, to prove himself as High-Holy Ass of the Year, swam across the Atlantic to find Booth; Roothal (a/n: Tha's Russell) sank to the dark abyss. The dark abyss turned out to be _Titanic_ and Ruffel (that's Russell, too) and Mrs Brandt decided to raise it, even if a war was going on and Jon Bovi had not had a haircut in 20 years. In the process, they realized it wasn't the _Titanic_ but Five's lost rubber ducky; the blamed it on Clair's hair. Clair and Jon Bovi got haircuts together. Then everyone died, except John Wilkes Booth because he was too cool. Teh Edn.

**WASHINGTON BUS PICUTRES:**

DRAWN BY ROBYN AND NICOLE

**RUSSELL – ** He is shown here wearing glasses and a shirt with a heart on it.

**MRS BRANDT –** She is shown here with curly arms and legs and a suit that is too big on her.

**JOSEPH –** He is shown sporting his ever-present afro with his hands on his hips.

**MR GRUMBOS** – He is shown here, as always, bald and depressed, with his arms hanging out from his sides.

**CALIFORNIA – **A bald, fat person wearing a bikini.

**SAM –** Is shown here with his life, his precious PSP.

**CONNOR -** Is shown here with his life, his black iPod video.

**NINJA MRS SONNIE –** The drama teacher is shown here as a crazy ninja with curly legs.

**MICHELLE – **Her hair is streaming out from the top of her head in all directions. Her arms and legs are curly and are in all directions. Her shirt has a heart on it.

**CLAIR** – Her hair is big and she is wearing glasses.

**ROBYN –** Is shown with a neutral expression and a flag.

**NICOLE – **Her ever-present braid is in place, as are her glasses.


	10. Hokey Pokey Pickles

**THE WASHINGTON, DC STORIES: UNEDITED**

BY CLAIR, ROBYN, AND NICOLE

**CHAPTER SEVEN: HOKEY POKEY PICKLES**

**BY ROBYN AND CLAIR**

At a shady bar in D.C., Five had two beers and John Wilkes Booth watched Star Wars on his video iPod. Mrs Marwaha was doing shots in the corner while finding deep religious meanings in Shakespeare's complete works. John Wilkes Booth, an actor, noticed Marwaha's Shakespeare books and remembered when he played Marc Antony in _Julius Caeasar_. Just then, Judas walked in dressed as a clown because his previous ideas and jobs left him in poverty. Everyone blinked except for Marwaha, who was incapable of blinking. Instead she fainted on Five who collapsed on John Wilkes Booth who rolled out the window causing wind to blow the candle off the bar onto Wanda Marwaha, causing her shirt to catch fire. Clair rejoiced as Marwaha died in ferocious fire. Marwaha's last words were "I'll give you an A, I promise I will if this fire stops, maybe I'll give a 100 percent, oh, my bad, no I won't. PICKLE!" Five likes pickles so he got this many (2)!

Five did the hokey pokey, but when he turned himself around, he was in Whangdoodle Land. John Wilkes Booth appeared beside Five, and asked him if the Hokey Pokey really what it was all about. They came to a river and put their left hands in, the water was so cold so they put their left hands out and shook them all about, unfortunately they got stuck in a gum tree. John Wilkes Booth became bored and giggled with glee as he shot a wombat with a Lincoln hat. The wombat didn't die, though, it turned into a man-eating pillow. The man-eating pillow growled and snapped at Booth, so John fed it Five. Five, now in the pillow's tummy, found two hollow coconut halves and began recreating Monty Python. Brave Sir Robyn screamed like Michelle and ate a noodle. The noodle was really a poisoned hair ribbon which caused Sir Robyn to turn into a strawberry which frightened Lancelot so Lance (for no other reason other than wanting to) gave Sir Robyn CPR but split his tight pants in the process and had to borrow John's skirt. John bitch-slapped Lance and an '80s B-grade movie fight scene started. It slowly became a "Matrix" scene which wound up lasting 4 hours and which was observed only by Jingle and Fleece who spent the whole time playing the same game of war.

John and Lance thought 4 hours was enough and went out for Chinese food. They both got food poisoning and spent the night fighting over Lou before realizing Lou was a boy; this made Lance excited. John's fiancée and his sister came over and took him for some counseling. His shrink was the famous Dubya so Booth shot him and escaped on a loose pont from a nearby fair. The pony could not go as fast as Booth wanted so John shot him and ran to the Pan-American Exposition in Buffalo, on September 6, 1901.

He was five days and 100 years early and in the wrong city so he bough some socks, cotton candy, and 11 red-bottomed balloons before hitchhiking to NYC. As he galloped on one of his five pong-playing dogs that he bought at a log fair, John Wilkes Booth heard a gunshot and someone shouting, "That smexy kid just shot President William McKinley." John Wilkes Booth was confused because dogs shouldn't talk but he remembered the exceptions he made for those at the log fait and turned towards the scene but swapped his dog for a tricycle with a horn and pretty pink flowers. He arrived and saw an attractive young man toting a gum and wearing a snazzy gold hat. John Wilkes Booth made a rope out of the flowers and lassoed the hat off the guy's head hoping it would hide his identity. Besides the fact that few people from 1865 were still alive, John Wilkes Booth and the man, McKinley assassin Leon Czolgosz, decided to head out for the Oregon Trail. It was too bad that the Oregon Trail actually led to California so, instead of a beaver hat, they had to wear speedos; they were arrested for indecent exposure. Davy Crockett paid Leon Czolgosz and John Wilkes Booth's bail and went with them to Oregon to watch "Spamalot". When they got there, all that was left was half a coconut and a fish which they decided to eat after slapping each other with it.

_**FIN**_

There is a picture of "Roothal" aka Russell in 20 yearsm sporting pig-tails and a body suit. Next to him is a tree with a baboon and a poison apple. The tree is a gum tree. There is a bird on the tree. There is a Pit of Despair under the tree.


End file.
